Jokes Thread

[ZRX61]

I just discovered that Albert Einstein was a real person!

My whole life I've believed he was a theoretical physicist

[Taipan]

[Dodgy69]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[McNab]

Who?

[Trinity765]

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1AjRq9nwQz/

[ZRX61]

A shark can swim faster than me.
I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon against a shark, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

[Jody]

I never wanted children, but now, in later life, when I'm sat at home on my own, I do sometimes think. It would be nice to have somewhere to put my cigarettes out

[Skub]

Custom phone mount.

phone mount.jpg (2.02 MiB) Viewed 773 times

[ZRX61]

A British couple are walking down a street in Tenerife...

They turn a corner and see a sign that says,

'Billy's Bar - ALL drinks €0.10'

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

They order a pint of lager and a cocktail and sure enough once the drinks are on the bar the English bartender says that'll be 20 cents please!

The couple can't believe their luck. They finish their drinks and order the same again. Sure enough the drinks are poured and the barman says;

"That'll be 20 cents please!"

Curiosity gets the better of them and the woman asks the barman how he can afford to sell drinks so cheaply

The bartender says "It was always my dream to own a bar in Tenerife and last year I won £109 Million on the Euro Millions so I opened this bar and I've got enough money that I don't have to worry about making any profit."

Happy with the story the couple congratulate him and order another round of drinks

As the man is drinking his pint of lager he can't help but notice three old blokes sat in the corner who've been sat there without a drink the whole time they've been in.

"What's the deal with them three over there?' The man asks the bartender.

"Those are three of my regulars. They're retired blokes from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when the drinks are half-price!'

[weeksy]

[weeksy]

[Yorick]

Can't see anything ???

[Horse]

Can't see anything ???

We'll get someone to tell you, by using the art of mine.

[ZRX61]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane...

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Taipan]

external image linking allowed

[Horse]

Finally, homeopathy with Anhydrous Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Recommended for: flu-like symptoms, fevers, explosive diarrhea, neurological disorders following chesty and dry coughs, anal fissures, one-leggedness, chemtrail poisoning, electrohypersensitivity, etc.

.

Screenshot_20260315-120614.png (311.27 KiB) Viewed 508 times