Jokes Thread

[Count Steer]

Finally, homeopathy with Anhydrous Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Recommended for: flu-like symptoms, fevers, explosive diarrhea, neurological disorders following chesty and dry coughs, anal fissures, one-leggedness, chemtrail poisoning, electrohypersensitivity, etc.

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Questions from the social media masses:

Is it OK to take it if you're on other medications, pregnant or breastfeeding?

Is it organic and vegan?

Can I get it without prescription?

What colour are the pills? (yellow interferes with my chi).

Does Goop sell it?

[ZRX61]

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.

On the way home his wife, worried, asked, “So honey, how’s my mom doing?”

He said, “Babe, she looks fantastic! The doctor says she’ll live for years. Next week she’ll be released from the hospital and can come live with us permanently!”

“Wow, that’s amazing!” said the wife. “But that’s strange. Yesterday she looked like she was on her deathbed. The doctors said she only had a few days to live.”

“Well,” he said, “I don’t know about yesterday. But today when I got there, the doctor told me we should prepare for the worst.”

[ZRX61]

A little girl was sitting on her front porch eating candy as fast as she could unwrap it!

A nosy woman that lived a few doors down noticed her and said, All that candy is not good for you and will spoil your dinner!"

The girl replied "I don't know about that but my Grandma lived to be 104yrs old.

The woman said, Wow by eating candy?"

The little girl responded, No, by minding her own fucking business...

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of moose hunting.

They managed to bag six moose. As they were loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said, “Sorry, the plane can only take four moose.”

The two guys objected. “Last year we shot six,” they said. “The pilot let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours!”

Reluctantly, the pilot agreed, and all six were loaded.

The plane took off. But while trying to cross some mountains, even at full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load — and went down.

Surrounded by the moose bodies, somehow only the two rednecks survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked, “Any idea where we are?”

Billy Bob looked around and said, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

[Taipan]

[Didge]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.! Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, God," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

[Taipan]

A YORKSHIREMAN walks into the dentist and asks how much it will cost to extract a tooth.
"You're looking at £400" the dentist says.
"OW MUCH!!!" the Yorkshireman exclaims in disbelief
"£400 to tek a chuffin tooth 'art! Int there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "If I don't use anaesthetic, I can probably do it for about £250. It'll be really painful though!"
"I'm not bothered about how painful it'll be but that's still too expensive!" replies the Yorkshireman.
"Hmmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "I could give Leeds Dental hospital a ring and they could probably send a student up to give it a go for some experience. I suppose in that case I could charge you £100."
"Nope," moans the yorkshireman, "it's still too much! I'm not med of money!"
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I simply just rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I can do that for 50 quid?"
"Champion!" says the Yorkshireman.....
"Book the wife in for next Tuesday!"

[Taipan]

[Didge]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog
and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock,
took the bill. "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is
dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been only £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan
...."

[ZRX61]

Be careful where you get your advice from...

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

Also, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

[Horse]

[Taipan]

Firstly, THANK YOU EVERYONE for your concern.
I'm ok, but quite shaken up, but I'll be ok. For those of you who don't know what happened, | was robbed this afternoon in broad daylight at the jet garage petrol station
I got myself together after it happened, my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and I was probably in shock.
My money was gone. I called the police, they were fantastic and called for an ambulance as my blood pressure was through the roof.
The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them:
“Yes,it was pump number 2

[KungFooBob]

That's stolen from Phoenix Nights, it's Max's car alarm!

[KungFooBob]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never paid £200 to have a lentil on my face.

[Taipan]

[Didge]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St.Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh,"said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Keir Starmer's clock?" asked the man.
"Keir Starmer's" clock is in Jesus' office.... He's using it as a ceiling fan..."

[Rockburner]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St.Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh,"said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Keir Starmer's clock?" asked the man.
"Keir Starmer's" clock is in Jesus' office.... He's using it as a ceiling fan..."

Whereas Trump's is installed in the utility room and has been powering heaven for the last 80 years.

[ZRX61]

I hate it when the clocks go forward an hour. It means for a week afterwards I get my usual wake-up erection when I'm on the bus to work..