Yorick wrote: Wed Mar 01, 2023 6:53 pm
A couple of hours ago I set off walking to the high cliffs a mile out of town.
I found somewhere safe to leave my dog and sent a Whatsapp messages to my enduro pals group showing his location so they'd find him.
I walked about 200 yards and sat looking over the edge.
It was an out of body experience. Impossible to describe. Calm and scary.
Luckily (unluckily) my pal was close. He knew the area. Found my dog and guessed where I'd be.
Then I broke down and let it all out.
Talked for ages.
Just wanted "normal " so having a beer in the evening sun now in town.
Folk nodding and saying Hi.
If only they knew.
I feel calm. Maybe just getting right to the edge is a good thing?
Dunno why I took a photo. It was peaceful.
20230301_172514.jpg
Whilst I don't 'know' you, I'm so glad you didn't and your mate found you.
Close to the edge indeed......
Dont really know what to say to that Yoz. But I know you know how devastating death is for those left behind. Life really is so precious. You did the right thing in talking to your mates, but maybe get some professional help too?
Life's tough sometimes and it's hard to find people that you can talk to. Hugs
xxx
know how devastating death is for those left behind
This really is the only reason I'm still here and would never choose to go by my hand. Tough call but it's meant that I've survived until better times.
Life is for living. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake. Ride the bikes. Just, ride the bikes!!
Yorick wrote: Wed Mar 01, 2023 6:53 pm
A couple of hours ago I set off walking to the high cliffs a mile out of town.
I found somewhere safe to leave my dog and sent a Whatsapp messages to my enduro pals group showing his location so they'd find him.
I walked about 200 yards and sat looking over the edge.
It was an out of body experience. Impossible to describe. Calm and scary.
Luckily (unluckily) my pal was close. He knew the area. Found my dog and guessed where I'd be.
Then I broke down and let it all out.
Talked for ages.
Just wanted "normal " so having a beer in the evening sun now in town.
Folk nodding and saying Hi.
If only they knew.
I feel calm. Maybe just getting right to the edge is a good thing?
Dunno why I took a photo. It was peaceful.
20230301_172514.jpg
I know you think I'm a cunt, but I'm dumbfounded by this.
I am really very glad that you didn't decide to go through with it, and that your mate was close and came to be there with you.
I have huge respect for you for being able to open up and talk to him. It's not an easy thing to do, but you did it and you're still here.
I am very glad you're still with us, and I hope that you feel like the lid doesn't have to be strapped down tight permanently.
Yorick wrote: Wed Mar 01, 2023 6:53 pm
A couple of hours ago I set off walking to the high cliffs a mile out of town.
I found somewhere safe to leave my dog and sent a Whatsapp messages to my enduro pals group showing his location so they'd find him.
I walked about 200 yards and sat looking over the edge.
It was an out of body experience. Impossible to describe. Calm and scary.
Luckily (unluckily) my pal was close. He knew the area. Found my dog and guessed where I'd be.
Then I broke down and let it all out.
Talked for ages.
Just wanted "normal " so having a beer in the evening sun now in town.
Folk nodding and saying Hi.
If only they knew.
I feel calm. Maybe just getting right to the edge is a good thing?
Dunno why I took a photo. It was peaceful.
20230301_172514.jpg
Bloody hell man.
As Tiepin says,I hope you talk to someone in a professional capacity.
I'm very glad you didn't do it mate, and glad you had someone you could talk to at a crucial time. And it was brave fronting up about it to a bunch of what are effectively semi-strangers. Now you need to take the next step and talk to the experts. We're with you.
Bloody hell! I am glad you didn't jump! Just remember that there are a lot of rufty tufty bikers that would be in tears if you did anything like that, not too mention your missus and the dog.
I have never really met you, we might have met at a VD Memorial Meet, or maybe not, but I consider you a friend, albeit a virtual one. We both lived in MK at one stage, you a track instructor and me a wobbly born-again with 38 years of rust on my very limited experience. I always remember you offered to take me out with you, which was very kind of you. I declined because I was ashamed of how slow and wobbly I was, I often wish I hadn't.
Anyway as a virtual friend, anything I can do to help, just ask. You have done the hard bit, reaching out and admitting you are not feeling good, now let us all help. And do try to get some professional help too.
Yorick wrote: Wed Mar 01, 2023 6:53 pm
A couple of hours ago I set off walking to the high cliffs a mile out of town.
I found somewhere safe to leave my dog and sent a Whatsapp messages to my enduro pals group showing his location so they'd find him.
I walked about 200 yards and sat looking over the edge.
It was an out of body experience. Impossible to describe. Calm and scary.
Luckily (unluckily) my pal was close. He knew the area. Found my dog and guessed where I'd be.
Then I broke down and let it all out.
Talked for ages.
Just wanted "normal " so having a beer in the evening sun now in town.
Folk nodding and saying Hi.
If only they knew.
I feel calm. Maybe just getting right to the edge is a good thing?
Dunno why I took a photo. It was peaceful.
20230301_172514.jpg
Maybe instead of wanting to get away from the world your non actions subconsciously want you to be back in the place our race was born which means you just need to be loved. Maybe you should try and be around more people...
I didn't reply yesterday because I didn't know what to say apart from the obvious "really glad you didn't". Don't really have anything helpful to add today, except that you've made a start already by talking to yourself about it which is a really important first step, and then to your pal and on here. Keep that bit up but I think you need to ask for some "proper" help in addition to the well-intentioned amateurs like us on here. We're here for you, tho.....
Potter wrote: Fri Mar 03, 2023 2:40 pm
Spare bedroom here Yorick, welcome any time if you just need a few days in a different place chatting about bikes and shit.
Potter wrote: Fri Mar 03, 2023 2:40 pm
Spare bedroom here Yorick, welcome any time if you just need a few days in a different place chatting about bikes and shit.
Here too.
Also a floor which I could do with a hand restoring.
Just sat on front steps taking in the late sun.
Contemplating what happened.
It's Carnival weekend where the whole town parties. Pen and guests have gone but too soon for me.
A few things had been getting to me but managed to block them. But they were bubbling under the surface.
Summat bad happened to me and sent me into overdrive. Maybe the final straw? But was a BIG straw. Dragged me right back to my childhood when my dad beat me for what this same thing was.
Pen's done some research and adults really can be affected by what happened as kids.
Now we may know and it makes it easier to understand.
But fuck, was it scary stood on that cliff edge. I remember thinking that I'd wait till dark so I couldn't see over.
Think I'll be OK now.
Had amazing support from 2 of my old racing buddies who are still close to me.
Yorick wrote: Sat Mar 04, 2023 6:19 pm
Just sat on front steps taking in the late sun.
Contemplating what happened.
It's Carnival weekend where the whole town parties. Pen and guests have gone but too soon for me.
A few things had been getting to me but managed to block them. But they were bubbling under the surface.
Summat bad happened to me and sent me into overdrive. Maybe the final straw? But was a BIG straw. Dragged me right back to my childhood when my dad beat me for what this same thing was.
Pen's done some research and adults really can be affected by what happened as kids.
Now we may know and it makes it easier to understand.
But fuck, was it scary stood on that cliff edge. I remember thinking that I'd wait till dark so I couldn't see over.
Think I'll be OK now.
Had amazing support from 2 of my old racing buddies who are still close to me.
And thanks for support on here
Guess I may as well open up a bit here, because of my childhood and the following loss of Gribmany years later and again many more years on I’m sat with my marriage all but over. My home my family it’s all going to change. This is all from childhood. Im going through psychotherapy to try and change me and how I react but it’s not going to stop my loss. Twice in the past few weeks I’ve done what you have and stood where I shouldn’t be before calling someone and asking for help. Problem is blokes our age were bought up by people who didn’t know any better, then for years it’s bit been right to talk and it takes us time and bravery to open up. I want to help but all I can do at the moment is say I know what you’re going through. Damn I wanna Jump on a plane and come see you mate. Message me if you want, I’m little use but I have to offer as people have been so kind to me. I’ve no idea where I’m going or what’s gonna happen but I can reply to a message.
@Yorick@Couchy Deep peace to you both in these dark times, may illumination come from unexpected places that restore your worth and dignity, your sense of hope and being rooted back into the place you are meant to be. May your hearts find peace and your loved ones the understanding to bear with your difficulties. If either of you need to PM me, please do feel free, I am not a counsellor, but I do listen and pray.
My darling daughter has been back to university this whole week, shattered by the experience, but looking at going again this week. We have decided to get a private ASD assessment done, bollocks to waiting 39 months for the NHS to even begin the process. It will be expensive, but it is after all, just money and we have it to hand, so no point being daft and waiting.
Proverbs 17:9
One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend.
Yorick wrote: Sat Mar 04, 2023 6:19 pm
Just sat on front steps taking in the late sun.
Contemplating what happened.
It's Carnival weekend where the whole town parties. Pen and guests have gone but too soon for me.
A few things had been getting to me but managed to block them. But they were bubbling under the surface.
Summat bad happened to me and sent me into overdrive. Maybe the final straw? But was a BIG straw. Dragged me right back to my childhood when my dad beat me for what this same thing was.
Pen's done some research and adults really can be affected by what happened as kids.
Now we may know and it makes it easier to understand.
But fuck, was it scary stood on that cliff edge. I remember thinking that I'd wait till dark so I couldn't see over.
Think I'll be OK now.
Had amazing support from 2 of my old racing buddies who are still close to me.
And thanks for support on here
Guess I may as well open up a bit here, because of my childhood and the following loss of Gribmany years later and again many more years on I’m sat with my marriage all but over. My home my family it’s all going to change. This is all from childhood. Im going through psychotherapy to try and change me and how I react but it’s not going to stop my loss. Twice in the past few weeks I’ve done what you have and stood where I shouldn’t be before calling someone and asking for help. Problem is blokes our age were bought up by people who didn’t know any better, then for years it’s bit been right to talk and it takes us time and bravery to open up. I want to help but all I can do at the moment is say I know what you’re going through. Damn I wanna Jump on a plane and come see you mate. Message me if you want, I’m little use but I have to offer as people have been so kind to me. I’ve no idea where I’m going or what’s gonna happen but I can reply to a message.
Life's such a bastard at times. It never dishes up trouble in a way we can manage. Always giving it to you by the bucket load. I'm a sworn atheist but have to tell you that I found solice in the good book. Not the religious part, but the humanity and the perspective it puts on things. Just as with Yorick, I don't 'know' you but I am rooting for you and wish you well Couchy.
Yorick wrote: Sat Mar 04, 2023 6:19 pm
Just sat on front steps taking in the late sun.
Contemplating what happened.
It's Carnival weekend where the whole town parties. Pen and guests have gone but too soon for me.
A few things had been getting to me but managed to block them. But they were bubbling under the surface.
Summat bad happened to me and sent me into overdrive. Maybe the final straw? But was a BIG straw. Dragged me right back to my childhood when my dad beat me for what this same thing was.
Pen's done some research and adults really can be affected by what happened as kids.
Now we may know and it makes it easier to understand.
But fuck, was it scary stood on that cliff edge. I remember thinking that I'd wait till dark so I couldn't see over.
Think I'll be OK now.
Had amazing support from 2 of my old racing buddies who are still close to me.
And thanks for support on here
Guess I may as well open up a bit here, because of my childhood and the following loss of Gribmany years later and again many more years on I’m sat with my marriage all but over. My home my family it’s all going to change. This is all from childhood. Im going through psychotherapy to try and change me and how I react but it’s not going to stop my loss. Twice in the past few weeks I’ve done what you have and stood where I shouldn’t be before calling someone and asking for help. Problem is blokes our age were bought up by people who didn’t know any better, then for years it’s bit been right to talk and it takes us time and bravery to open up. I want to help but all I can do at the moment is say I know what you’re going through. Damn I wanna Jump on a plane and come see you mate. Message me if you want, I’m little use but I have to offer as people have been so kind to me. I’ve no idea where I’m going or what’s gonna happen but I can reply to a message.
Aww no. I've just dipped into this thread again for the first time in a while, and reading that has made me sad for both of you, and your families.
Anyone who knows me IRL will know that I'm quite a private person and fall into the category of blokes our age who don't share stuff, and not sure I can be much help but just wanted you both to know that am routing for you both.
I consider myself very fortunate that when I found myself at the edge getting on for 20 years ago I had three young boys who depended on me for pretty much everything, and that kept me just about on the right side. I had a really tough few years with it but I made it through to be happier now than I've ever been or imagined I could be again, and it's my belief that it was them that got me to the other side - stick with it guys !
But I know you know how devastating death is for those left behind. Life really is so precious. You did the right thing in talking to your mates, but maybe get some professional help too?
