Depression

[Mr Moofo]

Your comments @Noggin perfectly sums up the situation that so many people face. Know lots of people but have few, if any friends. My work enabled me to travel extensively and get to know hundreds of people but, they're not my friends. I love my wife dearly but she's not my mate. It can feel lonely sometimes. Like a tree in a forest, all so close yet oh so quiet.

Isn’t that just the norm for most people - and more evident as you get older.

That was my thought too. In Noggins scenario most of the people are not 'actively contacting' her, but who's to say they're actively contacting ANYONE, it just may not be happening at all.
I think the internet and places like this have helped and made it harder in equal measures as 'we' now interact on here, instead of having to go out and meet people. Of course we can still go meet people, but we now don't need to. That's a bit of a double edged sword IMO as it can lead to being more secluded/insular.

The internet has made it easier to form casual "friendships" which can be dynamic by the push of the button. Hugely different in the real world. I knew millions of people around the world when I worked, I know know a reasonable amount locally through volunteering - and can stop and chat when I walk through town.
But whilst I may be the centre of my universe (and the dog's) , I am not the centre of anyone else's life. I have friends for way back, I contact them every now and the, as do they me. But I cannot think of anyone who would ring me on a regular basis - or than the other half.

I am not sure why anyone would think that is odd - it's just normal

[Noggin]

Your comments @Noggin perfectly sums up the situation that so many people face. Know lots of people but have few, if any friends. My work enabled me to travel extensively and get to know hundreds of people but, they're not my friends. I love my wife dearly but she's not my mate. It can feel lonely sometimes. Like a tree in a forest, all so close yet oh so quiet.

Isn’t that just the norm for most people - and more evident as you get older.

That was my thought too. In Noggins scenario most of the people are not 'actively contacting' her, but who's to say they're actively contacting ANYONE, it just may not be happening at all.
I think the internet and places like this have helped and made it harder in equal measures as 'we' now interact on here, instead of having to go out and meet people. Of course we can still go meet people, but we now don't need to. That's a bit of a double edged sword IMO as it can lead to being more secluded/insular.

In some ways yr right. BUT, I know most of the others do meet up and am regularly told how much fun they have at nights out or an amazing restaurant. If I remotely thought they were as isolated as I feel, I firstly wouldn’t feel so left out and secondly would continue to make the effort to keep in touch. But, the simple thing with me is that I don’t live in the same village, and I don’t feel a NEED to mainly socialise with other brits - I’d just like to meet up sometimes, not just when they need something from me

The balance to my comment is that I’ve always been perfectly happy solo. I was pretty isolated as a child due to shyness and at home due to my sis and brother only being a couple of months apart in age (and I was the eldest). So I was ok with that as I got older. I didn’t drink or smoke, that separated me in others eyes, as did being single when everyone else coupled up

But out here, since I moved away from where the Brit seasonaires all live, it’s been so much more obvious that I don’t exist unless actually in front of someone

I keep in touch with various friends locally (out of resort) and in different areas in France, not everyday but there are a handful of people that I know I can call on because we stay in touch.

It’s actually the invisibility whilst in a group of people I thought of as ‘friends’ that’s the hardest to deal with. I’m sure no one realises that they talk over me, cut me off, ignore any contributions. But after a few years it just means I make less and less effort to talk in groups and of course that makes it all worse


I don’t expect a solution, it was just interesting and maybe heartening to know I wasn’t the only one to feel invisible

[Buckaroo]

Your comments @Noggin perfectly sums up the situation that so many people face. Know lots of people but have few, if any friends. My work enabled me to travel extensively and get to know hundreds of people but, they're not my friends. I love my wife dearly but she's not my mate. It can feel lonely sometimes. Like a tree in a forest, all so close yet oh so quiet.

Isn’t that just the norm for most people - and more evident as you get older.

Sadly I believe it's true.

[Dixiethedog]

You sound like you'd be an ace asset for Men In Sheds - they're always on the look out for handy people, and as a self-confessed happy go lucky chap to boot, you'd be great at befriending some of the folk that turn up cos they've lost touch with their mates:

https://menssheds.org.uk/find-a-shed/

I know you said you're Newcastle-ish, and there's definitely one in Bolden (my other half is a Shields lad, so I know the area a smidge).

Worth a thought to spend some time with folk who'd actually appreciate you?

Hi Sunny,

Thank you for the very nice and kind reply. Your suggestion of menssheds caught my attention, but the ones in my area (NE25) seem to be woodwork based enterprises. My woodworking skills would be handy if you had a wood burner! So, I guess sadly not for me. I think that there would be some great company there and the idea is fantastic. I have downloaded the start a shed PDF to have a read of, and to give some thought too.

So many thanks.

[Dixiethedog]

I didn't realise other people felt like this, I could have pretty much written this about myself - not that I have a shed etc, but the invisible bit.



¨do you want to meet for a coffee and a chat¨- she replied with ¨hope you feel better soon¨



Now I know I'm essentially invisible to virtually everyone up here.

Hi Noggin,

We are the two invisible men. We should arrnage a day or night out, cause loads of mischief and nobody would know who did it, as they would not see us!
"Hope you feel better soon"
A while back, I was in a bit of a funny state of mind. It was January (last year), my wife had buggered off on New Years eve (which in itself caused me anger) for 5 weeks to Bali. The weather was cold and miserable, my shed(s) were like fridges so it was myself and the dog going solo for 5 weeks. Rattling around the house alone in the bleak winter is crap!
Anyway, I dragged my dog out one afternoon and spotted a lady sitting in the local park looking absolutely lost, lonely and possibly suicidal. I did go over to try to have a bit of a chat, to ask if she was alright? If I am honest, hearing her tale, I just wanted to put my arms around her and give her a hug. As one human to another. Nothing more, nothing less. My other thought was to invite her into the warmth of my house (which was pretty much in sight of where we were) and put the kettle on. A nice friendly cuppa and a chat. But I did not do that. I walked away. It absolutely cut me up to do that but I did it. With a "Hope you feel better soon".
Being a man, inviting a female into your home when your Mrs is away looks like trouble multiplied by a 1000. Giving a woman a hug looks like a recipe for trouble as well. It bugged me for days, I felt like I had let a stranger down. She had told me that she had nobody and yet I still walked away.
Going back to your "Hope you feel better soon", could it have been a similar situation? As a man, a bloke, a geezer I would have siad, "Come on, lets get a cuppa and tell me your story or just have a chat about anything"

But you are not invisible, I know that you are there and if you need to chat I am here as are probaly a thousand other good people. Take care.

[Dixiethedog]

In the previous post I mentioned a lady looking sad etc. Well I am on another (guitar based) forum and I started a thread there as the womans plight touched my heart.
I think that the replies I received show that most people show some sort of compassion and even though you might not think it, people in general can be good. Just not the one's I know.

https://forum.fractalaudio.com/threads/ ... er.200802/

[Dixiethedog]

. It was January (last year), my wife had buggered off on New Years eve (which in itself caused me anger) for 5 weeks to Bali. The weather was cold and miserable, my shed(s) were like fridges so it was myself and the dog going solo for 5 weeks.

I could not careless about New Years Eve, my party days died years ago, I do enjoy going out to the local drinking establishment on New Years Day. They have live music and you are lucky to get a seat.The place is always jumping. The locals even take picnics to share whilst getting rat arsed. And I look forward to this day. Generally having suffered Christmas (sitting in somebody elses house when I would sooner be at home...) it is the one thing that brightens me up at this time of year. With my Mrs going awol on NY Eve it was knocked on the head. She did say "You can still go blah blah blah..." but chances are I would have felt like a spare part at a wedding. We would normally sit with couples who she knows. anyway, her going away f***ed it up for me.

So, moving on. I used to be on FB years ago and I would post up on a Tuesday how I was preparing for my night out. The usual, a nice meal, a bath or a shower, a change of underpants (or at least turning them inside out or back to front ), putting my clean clothes on the bed, making sure I had not missed anywhere whilst getting shaved, squirting some smellies on... You know, the things you do. And all of this so I could put the bin out. Tuesday night being the night the bin goes out. My night out, walking the bin down the path, opening the gates,putting the bin in a safe position, walking back in, closing the gates and coming back into the house.

This week, I put the bin out and noticed that the tyres looked a bit worn. "If it was a car or bike it would not pass an MOT" I told myself.

You have to laugh as otherwise you would cry at how sad this is. I used to be the life and soul of a party.

Now, somebody pass me a shot gun and I'll finish things now. Unless of course the local council supply me with a new wheelie bin with new tyres. In which case, here goes to the next 20 years.

[Dixiethedog]

Sunny and Noggin,

Should you read this, being a stupid male I did not realise that you might be my favourite type of person, ladies.

When I made comments about it being tricky for me, as a man, to hug a needy and desperately sad lady, or a suggestion that I would had it been me the "Hope you are OK soon" type of comment where I said that I would buy you a coffee and have a chat would still (almost)* stand.

Having had my "gender" info advised by a nice friendly chap, a gentleman, a man a bloke it now makes me want to politely ask you (or you's), does what I say make sence to somebody of the opposite sex. Is it wrong for a man to feel the need to reach out to a female stranger or do you think it is better for the likes of me, or you if in a similar situation, to walk away?

The (almost)* puts me back into the question, is it OK for a man to reach out to a female and vice versa, a female to a male?

And my comments earlier on about 2 invisible people causing havoc together on the town (or whatever I said), now knowing that you are a Lady brings my character into disrepute! So I apologise. I feel like I have been a cad and a bounder, not the gentleman I wish to be seen as! Even though I spotted the comment about tears welling up in eyes, I still did not question gender. If a man had tears welling up in his eyes he could still need a hug (or a firm manly handshake) and I would not think badly of him. It is OK for men to cry. So please accept my apology for not reading into things as maybe I should have done.

But, thank you ladies, you both came across as kind souls which I totally respect.

Now, I am in another tricky position. Do I sign off with a kiss or a handshake or what?

Bugger it. Xxx.

[Noggin]

I didn't realise other people felt like this, I could have pretty much written this about myself - not that I have a shed etc, but the invisible bit.



¨do you want to meet for a coffee and a chat¨- she replied with ¨hope you feel better soon¨



Now I know I'm essentially invisible to virtually everyone up here.

Hi Noggin,

We are the two invisible men. We should arrnage a day or night out, cause loads of mischief and nobody would know who did it, as they would not see us!

Going back to your "Hope you feel better soon", could it have been a similar situation? As a man, a bloke, a geezer I would have siad, "Come on, lets get a cuppa and tell me your story or just have a chat about anything"

But you are not invisible, I know that you are there and if you need to chat I am here as are probaly a thousand other good people. Take care.

In all honesty, this forum has kept me going the last 7 and a bit years. Knowing that there are people here to talk to really helps, even if I don't do it too often.

As for the girl that messaged back to me but with no offer of actual contact, we've known each other for years and years, we live about 500m apart! But I'm single and she' a mum and recently remarried, so no connection other than living here. I only ever get invited for coffee (or have an invite accepted) if she needs a favour!! So her response wasn't unexpected, just the icing on the cake of misery that week

Sunny and Noggin,

Should you read this, being a stupid male I did not realise that you might be my favourite type of person, ladies.

When I made comments about it being tricky for me, as a man, to hug a needy and desperately sad lady, or a suggestion that I would had it been me the "Hope you are OK soon" type of comment where I said that I would buy you a coffee and have a chat would still (almost)* stand.

Having had my "gender" info advised by a nice friendly chap, a gentleman, a man a bloke it now makes me want to politely ask you (or you's), does what I say make sence to somebody of the opposite sex. Is it wrong for a man to feel the need to reach out to a female stranger or do you think it is better for the likes of me, or you if in a similar situation, to walk away?

The (almost)* puts me back into the question, is it OK for a man to reach out to a female and vice versa, a female to a male?

And my comments earlier on about 2 invisible people causing havoc together on the town (or whatever I said), now knowing that you are a Lady brings my character into disrepute! So I apologise. I feel like I have been a cad and a bounder, not the gentleman I wish to be seen as! Even though I spotted the comment about tears welling up in eyes, I still did not question gender. If a man had tears welling up in his eyes he could still need a hug (or a firm manly handshake) and I would not think badly of him. It is OK for men to cry. So please accept my apology for not reading into things as maybe I should have done.

But, thank you ladies, you both came across as kind souls which I totally respect.

Now, I am in another tricky position. Do I sign off with a kiss or a handshake or what?

Bugger it. Xxx.

LOL. Don't worry about it. And don't apologise. I suspect Sunny would say similar to this, here it's more that we are bike loonies than separated by sex, if that makes sense!! I'd happily cause havoc on the town and whilst my mother tried very hard, I'm no ¨lady¨ (Ok, I can pretend quite well when needed!! And I scrub up quite well )

Personally, I don't think it's wrong to reach out - although an invite back to a strange man's house might raise warning flags!! However innocent/kind it was. BUT, an offer of a coffee/tea in a nearby cafe would be appreciated. It is hard to know with the opposite sex as I've found when talking to guys. But if you are being kind and there is a cafe (or somewhere to grab a takeaway hot drink) nearby then that is another option. If you are more worried, an offer to meet at the same park bench for chat is ok too.

A hug might be a bit far unless you ask if she would like a hug. Sometimes people do need a hug but for a stranger it's difficult, so, just ask?? It's something I miss a lot here.
The French are not huggers at all, although some of my French friends are starting to hug me more now, which is cool. Even my bloke is a bit surprised when I greet him with a huge hug, but he's getting used to it

Oh, and you ain't stupid! A good friend of mine spent a lot of time telling me off when I said things like that about myself. Just cos we are different does not make us stupid at all! xxx

[gremlin]

Had a conversation with the Gremlinette this evening. Her anxiety has become a real issue and there's been falling outs in her house in Manchester, adding to it.
We are currently funding her uni fees, accommodation, etc. but she's virtually housebound by her anxiety, over-thinking, etc and we're thinking it would be better if she finishes her degree here, as in a year and a half she's been to two lectures, has not made any real friends outside the house. Would save us a few quid, but then I feel we're quitting.
Every time she calls these days my heart sinks as I know I'll end up calming her down and telling her to stop crying ,everything will be OK.
The counselling seems to having no discernable effect, our coaxing to join clubs, attend mental health drop-in sessions get met with agreement, but there's always an excuse as to why she didn't go.

Not sure what to do for the best, really.

[Yorick]

Had a conversation with the Gremlinette this evening. Her anxiety has become a real issue and there's been falling outs in her house in Manchester, adding to it.
We are currently funding her uni fees, accommodation, etc. but she's virtually housebound by her anxiety, over-thinking, etc and we're thinking it would be better if she finishes her degree here, as in a year and a half she's been to two lectures, has not made any real friends outside the house. Would save us a few quid, but then I feel we're quitting.
Every time she calls these days my heart sinks as I know I'll end up calming her down and telling her to stop crying ,everything will be OK.
The counselling seems to having no discernable effect, our coaxing to join clubs, attend mental health drop-in sessions get met with agreement, but there's always an excuse as to why she didn't go.

Not sure what to do for the best, really.

I know you're good parents and got enough money to spoil her.
But it shows that money and love aren't enough.
It's a tough one

[Taipan]

My Son suffers from terrible anxiety. He had to stay away for a week to do his CPC course thing and being away from home made his anxiety a lot worse and he turned to drinking each night. I know everyones different, but if its any use to you, for my Son being at home was much better for him. Being in a different environment and around lots of people he didn't really know really triggered him.

[MyLittleStudPony]

Wishing you and your family good luck Gremlin.

FWIW my aunt worked in mental health and said nothing happens quickly with mental health. Things may get better with time, and probably will.

FWIW also (not a lot!) my anxiety seemed to get massively better when I was given Amitriptyline, which was prescribed for other symptoms. Everyone's mental health seems to be different though, like everyone's bad back.

I hope it all goes well; you sound like you're doing an amazing job of helping and supporting her. That must count for a huge amount, even though she's finding things difficult at the moment.

[Buckaroo]

Wishing you and your family good luck Gremlin.

FWIW my aunt worked in mental health and said nothing happens quickly with mental health. Things may get better with time, and probably will.

FWIW also (not a lot!) my anxiety seemed to get massively better when I was given Amitriptyline, which was prescribed for other symptoms. Everyone's mental health seems to be different though, like everyone's bad back.

I hope it all goes well; you sound like you're doing an amazing job of helping and supporting her. That must count for a huge amount, even though she's finding things difficult at the moment.

As an aside, I used to make amitriptyline. I was taken to another plant, as I was allergic to it. Made me pretty unwell. Made a hypertension product and had low blood pressure for the duration. Happy care free days of little to no health and safety. Won't go into my time making a laxative. Difficult times!!

[Dixiethedog]

This might sound stupid. But yesterday, I had a really good clear out and tidy up inside my workshop. And honestly, it lifted my spirits. I can now walk in without having to step over bits and pieces. The tidy up has gotten me out of a bit of a rut. I had been opening the workshop doors, looking in and thinking to myself, "***** ***** ***** ***** mess" Closing the doors and giving in. Coming back into the house and watching Youtube. Plus, even though there is still a chill in the air, the sun was trying to shine which added brightness to proceedings.

The other day, after being under a cover on my bike lift for about 2 years (and a bit) I finally (after having the new parts for ages) rebuilt and refitted my new forks to my FJR1300. I ordered a new battery yesterday and just need to do simple checks (fluid levels, brake check over, tyre pressure etc) to have the bike MOT ready and then usable. This was all simple enough stuff to do and it should have been done a long time ago. But it feels like progress has been made, which again lifts my spirits.

And the good thing about the above, is I now can get my Hayabusa project lifted up so that I can remove the wheels and do work on that to get it back on the road (before the MOT runs out!). It is insured and should be out there enjoying the fresh air.

Doing all of the above means I can progress with projects and things. Which I am sure you can guess what is coming? "It lifted my spirits!"

Now, I must point out, I am not depressed in any medically determined way, but just getting out into my shed(s) and doing the things I have done had me jumping (well, not jumping as such, more carefully getting out of bed so that I don't break my knackered hip) and wanting to go out and do "stuff".

Even though (as I type ) it is nearly 10 in the morning and I should have made a start by now.

So the kettle is on, my tea (or coffee?) will be made, the shed unlocked, music switched on and even if I don't speak to a single person today I will be in my happy place.

I know other peoples issues appear to be a lot worse than mine, and I wish everybody well. So please take care, one and all.

But I am off to do some work on bikes!

[the_priest]

Daughters treatment has turned a corner. They have finally acknowledged her autism having a huge impact on her ability to deal with things and how that in turn plays out with her anorexia and depression. So we are finally getting somewhere. And we can now, after three months, start having her home for Saturday nights and return her Sunday PM. Lots for driving for me, but hey ho, dad's taxi needs an outing after all.

[Noggin]

I know other peoples issues appear to be a lot worse than mine, and I wish everybody well. So please take care, one and all.

I hear people say this sort of thing a lot (ok, mostly about physical injuries) - and ok, you've said 'appear' so I don't think you are specifically making a comparison. But I'll write this anyway as it might help someone that reads it.


Comparisons are really not healthy.

Every person deals with things differently. Everyone has different limits. Everyone has different breaking points.


A mate of mine has a shoulder injury that has MASSIVELY impacted on his life. Physically (biologically if you like) my injury looks a lot worse.

BUT - due to the people I've known over the years, I was lucky enough to have fairly positive outlook on the progression and how to manage living with it (saying that, it did take a few years to get a balanced way to deal with it!!).

My mate doesn't have that. He is hugely affected by what he can't do, how his arm is because to the damage to his ligaments and tendons. He is frustrated and gets depressed when he has to stop doing stuff because his arm hurts.

Our injuries are so different (apart from the affected joint/limb!), the way the injuries have affected us and the the way we have handled / are handling the resulting issues are completely different too.


Mental issues are the same. What is one persons molehill is another persons mountain.

Comparisons, even with someone with the same diagnosis, are so not helpful or healthy

[Noggin]

Daughters treatment has turned a corner. They have finally acknowledged her autism having a huge impact on her ability to deal with things and how that in turn plays out with her anorexia and depression. So we are finally getting somewhere. And we can now, after three months, start having her home for Saturday nights and return her Sunday PM. Lots for driving for me, but hey ho, dad's taxi needs an outing after all.

That is totally awesome news. Crossing fingers and sending hugs for you all

[Sunny]

Sunny and Noggin,

Should you read this, being a stupid male I did not realise that you might be my favourite type of person, ladies.

When I made comments about it being tricky for me, as a man, to hug a needy and desperately sad lady, or a suggestion that I would had it been me the "Hope you are OK soon" type of comment where I said that I would buy you a coffee and have a chat would still (almost)* stand.

Having had my "gender" info advised by a nice friendly chap, a gentleman, a man a bloke it now makes me want to politely ask you (or you's), does what I say make sence to somebody of the opposite sex. Is it wrong for a man to feel the need to reach out to a female stranger or do you think it is better for the likes of me, or you if in a similar situation, to walk away?

The (almost)* puts me back into the question, is it OK for a man to reach out to a female and vice versa, a female to a male?

Hey hey, fret ye not, I generally bumble round oblivious of stuff like that!

And with that in mind, am probably the wrong person to give an opinion - every person is different, and while I couldn't care less about such things, other people (of both sexes) are way more sensitive.
In other words, there's no such thing as one-size-fits-all.

Nogs' suggestion of a cafe seems like a good half-way though

And on the Men's Sheds thing - I'd rock up anyway, I'll bet if there are folks there into woodwork, there'll be folks there into engineering too

[Mr Moofo]

The Men’s Sheds movement is getting big - or at least down here it is