Jokes Thread
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Taipan
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ZRX61
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Re: Jokes Thread
A woman had a dog which was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while they were away on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart:
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erect!on and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" She asked with suspicion.
"It just worked on me." He replied....
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart:
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erect!on and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" She asked with suspicion.
"It just worked on me." He replied....
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ZRX61
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Re: Jokes Thread
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mum & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad".I just flew in from Los Angeles between cases and didn't have time to shop for you". "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive,arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this,we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yes," said the father, "and miserable ones at that".
"Happy Anniversary Mum & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad".I just flew in from Los Angeles between cases and didn't have time to shop for you". "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive,arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this,we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yes," said the father, "and miserable ones at that".
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KungFooBob
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Horse
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Re: Jokes Thread
What do you get if you mix goat and human DNA?
Thrown out of the petting zoo.
Thrown out of the petting zoo.
Even bland can be a type of character 
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Wscad
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Re: Jokes Thread
It’s a old one but still brings a smile to my face
The background setting.is a army base,new recruits
Early morning parade. Major says to drill Sargent ... pvt smith mother has away, let him know
Morning inspection comes
Drill boss....pvt book......yer boots are dirty .... 25 press ups ... now
Db. Pvt jones....yer tie is not straight .....25 press ups...now
Db. Pvt Smith ....yer mums dead. Pvt Smith faints and is in hospital for 2 weeks
3 weeks later major says to DS.... pvt Holt’s father has passed....let him know but not in the same way as you did with pvt Smith.
Understood sir
Next days parade inspection
Drill boss.... right lads.... all of you who have a father...take 1 pace forward
Drill boss...where the fucking hell are you going pvt Holt
The background setting.is a army base,new recruits
Early morning parade. Major says to drill Sargent ... pvt smith mother has away, let him know
Morning inspection comes
Drill boss....pvt book......yer boots are dirty .... 25 press ups ... now
Db. Pvt jones....yer tie is not straight .....25 press ups...now
Db. Pvt Smith ....yer mums dead. Pvt Smith faints and is in hospital for 2 weeks
3 weeks later major says to DS.... pvt Holt’s father has passed....let him know but not in the same way as you did with pvt Smith.
Understood sir
Next days parade inspection
Drill boss.... right lads.... all of you who have a father...take 1 pace forward
Drill boss...where the fucking hell are you going pvt Holt
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Horse
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Taipan
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Re: Jokes Thread
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NC750X mpg 
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KungFooBob
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Re: Jokes Thread
Yeah it's AI bollocks, but the sentiment counts...
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JackyJoll
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Docca
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Docca
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Jody
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Re: Jokes Thread
Bruce Willis has been moved into a nursing home
Here's hoping they give him Viagra so he can Die Hard one last time
Here's hoping they give him Viagra so he can Die Hard one last time
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Taipan
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Horse
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Re: Jokes Thread
If nothing else, it'll stop him rolling out of bed.Jody wrote: Wed Oct 08, 2025 9:08 am Bruce Willis has been moved into a nursing home
Here's hoping they give him Viagra so he can Die Hard one last time
Even bland can be a type of character
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Taipan
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Taipan
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Rockburner
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Re: Jokes Thread
We've been agreed on that for ... ooo... at least 20 years. Complete misunderstandings still happen though.Taipan wrote: Fri Sep 26, 2025 4:50 pm Thats the trouble with forums I suppose, you can only read what is written and not how its said...
non quod, sed quomodo