Don't know why I've only just seen this, but could almost be me of late... Tried to take my own life back in July, on my 45th Birthday no less. Fortunately I didn't succeed. Obviously I have been seeking help, and for a long time now, sometimes it really helps but the overwhelming feeling of helplessness and impending societal doom keeps coming back... My desire to move more rurally and switch off from society is overwhelming! I've gone from wanting to live somewhere fairly remote and not see people too often, to wanting to move somewhere so remote that I never see anyone else ever again!fingerpuk wrote: Mon Aug 11, 2025 4:36 pm So, yes. Where to start.
Trigger warning, I am going to talk about suicide. Mods please delete if not appropriate.
I suffer with depression. And suicidal thoughts. As in - I know how I’d do it, where. It’s planned out. I have my affairs in order and every couple of months go through phases of tidying, and getting ready so my family has an easier time of it.
I’ve spoken to people, it’s never helped. I don’t like people, which is part of the problem. I’ve spoken to my other half but she will never understand the noise in my head. I’m autistic, ADHD, and suffering with an excellent albeit damaged brain. I cannot switch off, hear every conversation in the room, every noise. To keep my brain quiet I have to over stimulate - like a hot shower for sunburn. ADHD meds can help but it’s a short relief.
My depression is getting worse as I de mask. I’ve been pretending for so long to fit in, and as I stop and learn about who I actually am I realise I wasted the first 46 years. When I drink to dumb everything down. If I charged my moods they’d be extremes. I feel trapped living in the south, but with my family I can’t leave. So yeah - Ive been very close several times but assumed I don’t want to do it otherwise I would have.
Maybe I need to move to the north and live the quiet life. The south is one big car park. I’m an extremely visual processor and a designer by trade so poorly designed stuff pisses me off and the south is basically a perfect example of that.
Since trying to take my own life, I have been diagnosed with both severe ADHD and autism... Neither shocking for anybody who actually knows me, but its still been a lot to process. Understanding that my brain is wired differently helps, but then I see articles on social media and broadsheet newspapers calling the Health Secretary to tackle the wave of over-diagnosis of ADHD and autism and that they are just labels to apply to lazy people who don't want to fit in... It's triggering to say the least!
Until recently, the absolute best way I have had of dealing with the noise has been to totally immerse myself mentally and physically, in riding a bike... But whether it's a result of SAD or a number of other factors, I've recently really lost the desire with motorbikes, and the UK weather really isn't helpful when it comes to cycling through winter either! So I'm struggling for ways to switch off...
In one sense I'm lucky cos when I'm depressed, my desire to have a drink goes away, so I won't drink any alcohol when I'm down and it's only when I've had a good day or feeling better I will desire a drink. The problem on my Birthday back in July was that I knew I was down, and my GF was trying hard to cheer me up. We went out for a long walk with the dog, stopped at the local pub on the way back and I was feeling a little chirpier momentarily and she bought me a pint... We came home, had a nice dinner, a bottle of wine between us, a couple of G&T's etc. (that she kept flowing without actually asking me if I wanted them), and then she went to bed... And almost as soon as I was left on my own, with 4 or 5 drinks inside me, I went into a doom spiral and moments later tried to take my own life.
I didn't drink for a month after that... Not that I drink much anyway, only ever 1 or 2 drinks (the 4 or 5 on my birthday was extremely rare, and only cos my GF just kept them flowing). But it really does highlight just how powerful a depressant that alcohol actually is!
This was really sad news... He was one of my cricketing heroes growing up in the late 80's and early 90's... Graham Thorpe too last year (who ironically, was Smith's almost direct replacement in the England team back in about 1995)... Neither of them managed the transition from professional sportsman to former professional sportsman at all well, yet ironically, both were quite shy and retiring even in their heyday, I guess it was more about losing the purpose in life rather than the limelight itself.Yorick wrote: Tue Dec 02, 2025 3:09 pm Seems like another sportsman succumbed
https://www.bbc.com/sport/cricket/articles/c33mzp4mxe8o
And indeed, great news @gremlin that your daughter is on the mend...
. Hopefully she'll slip back into uni life which she was really enjoying before they broke up.
