Jokes Thread

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in...

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with him?"

Again, the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to the ambulancemen and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed in a helicopter."

Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?”
.
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.
.
.
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Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

[ZRX61]

A farmer drove to his neighbor's house and knocked on the front door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he went to town," said the boy.

"Well, is your mother here?" inquired the farmer.

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" asked the boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know what he charges for Howard.

[Trinity765]

.

[ZRX61]

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no "after life" at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear
me?

"Is that you, Frank?

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.

"That's wonderful! What's it like?

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper,it's back to the golf course again. Then
it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

[ZRX61]

Keir Starmer visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what his government could do for them...
“We have two big needs,” said a village spokesman, “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
Keir whipped out his iPhone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. Let me be clear, a doctor will arrive here tomorrow, you have my word. What is your other need?”
“We have no mobile phone reception at all in our village.”

[ZRX61]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks,What are you in here for?

The second kid says,
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says,
"You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks,
"What are you here for?"

The first kid says,
"Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born I couldn’t walk for a year."

[ZRX61]

A man came home very late and very drunk. His wife, who was waiting for him in the hallway, rolling pin in hand, asked, “It's 2am. Where the heck have you been?”

He said, “I don’t know, but the place had red velvet wallpaper and gold-plated urinals.” Then he passed out.

Curious, his wife started calling bars around town.
First bar — no red wallpaper.
Second bar — red wallpaper, but no gold urinals.

Finally, she called another bar and asked, “Do you have red velvet wallpaper and gold-plated urinals?”

There was a pause, then she heard a voice in the background say,
“Hey Charlie… I think we found the guy who pissed in your fucking saxophone.”

[Taipan]

Finally got the cooker clock an hour forward!

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

One night a guy went to get a room in
a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," said the concierge and handed him the key.

The guy went upstairs, took a shower and got straight into bed. Around 2 AM two gorgeous naked women came in and slid under the covers. When he realized what was going on, he started screwing both of them.

The next morning, still surprised by
the night's event, he went downstairs
to settle the bill. "How was your room sir?" asked the receptionist. "Excellent, I will come back again. What do I owe you?" asks the man.

"Well. actually, sir, we are doing a promotional offer. Not only do you not have to pay but we give you $10 as a welcome gesture," said the receptionist.

"What?" said the guy. “That's amazing." He took the ten-dollar bill and wandered off, debating whether his buddies would believe him or not. Needless to say, after a few days
he told all his friends and neighbors about room 13 and the amazing night
of passion.

The next week one of his buddies went to check out the room. "Room 13 please." "Certainly, sir, here's your key," set the clerk. After he got into bed, at 2 o'clock three young women this time, extremely horny, got into bed and screwed his brains out. The next morning, not only did he not have to pay, but he too got $10.

After a month everyone knew this hotel and especially room 13. Everyone that stayed in room 13 got the same treatment: a good screw and a ten bucks.

After a few weeks, the story reached the president, who happened to be Trump. He decided to check the story out for himself. He visited the hotel and asked for room 13. He got the key and went upstairs. After a couple of drinks he got in bed waiting patiently for the naked girls to appear. Indeed, at about 2 0'clock in the morning two naked women showed up. They were as horny and wild as all the stories Trump heard he had the time of his life.
Next morning when he went to pay the receptionist said, "Nothing to pay, sir. Actually, we are doing an introductory offer. Here's $50 as a welcome gesture." Curious, Trump asked the receptionist, "Well, that's strange. Everyone else who came here got $10. Why do I get $50?"

"Well, sir," answered the receptionist, “this is the first time we've filmed a porn movie featuring a president.”

[ZRX61]

In the greatest days of the British Empire a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity – a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself,” said the colonel.
"Well, sir, I graduated with honors from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and was awarded the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.“
“I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted,
“Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

[ZRX61]

The pastor concluded that the church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Boudreaux all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Boudreaux who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Boudreaux stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Boudreaux, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Boudreaux and said, "And Boudreaux, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?"
Boudreaux silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Boudreaux, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Boudreaux just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Boudreaux."
Boud shrugged.. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Boudreaux, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Boudreaux replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

[ZRX61]

Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm in the hills.

One day, Pa discovered that the hole under the outhouse was full. Not sure what to do, he went inside and told Ma about the problem.

"Well, why don't you ask the young'un down the road?"

Ma suggested. "He's a college gradjyate, he must know what to do."

So, Pa drove down to the neighbor's house and asked, "Mr. College Gradjyate, my outhouse hole's full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

Yeah, it’s cool right.

The young man replied, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite-one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

Place them under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.

The first one will shoot the outhouse up in the air, and while it's in the air, the second one will go off, spreading the mess all over your land.

The outhouse will then come back down right on top of the empty hole.

Pa thanked the young man and headed to the hardware store, where he bought two sticks of dynamite one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He returned home, placed the dynamite under the outhouse, and lit the fuses.

Then, he ran behind a nearby tree to take cover.

Just then, Ma came running out of the house and into the outhouse.

The first stick of dynamite went off, sending the outhouse flying into the air. BOOM!

The second stick went off, and poop sprayed across the entire farm.

WHAM! The outhouse came crashing back down, landing squarely on the hole.

Pa rushed to the outhouse, threw open the door, and asked, "Ma, are you all right?"

As she pulled up her panties, Ma replied, "Yeah, but I sure am glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"

[ZRX61]

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 30 minutes later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

[ZRX61]

Nelson1aa.jpg (58.87 KiB) Viewed 1442 times

[Taipan]

Kanye West finds a way around Starmer's ban!

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

penis2.jpg (39 KiB) Viewed 1329 times

[ZRX61]

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

Instead of staying inside, he takes it out to a bench in front of the bar to enjoy it.

As he’s sipping his drink, a nun walks by, stops, and glares at him.

“How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that?” she asks.

The man shrugs. “It’s not the Devil — it’s just whiskey.”

“But it’s sinful and wicked!”

He looks at her and says, “How do you know? Have you ever tried it?”

“Of course not,” she replies. “My sisters and the Mother Superior have told me all about it.”

“But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”

They go back and forth for a while before the nun finally sighs.

“Well… I suppose if I tried just a sip, I could better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for anyone to see me. Could you order it in a teacup?”

The man nods and heads inside.

He walks up to the bar and says, “Two whiskeys — one in a teacup.”

The bartender slams his hand on the counter. “Is that damn nun here again?!”